A sore subject

I have a very sore subject to talk about. I will probably bawl the whole time I type this, and then some. Back when Ella was just starting to be mobile we tried and tried to get her to do tummy time. She screamed bloody murder and would get herself so worked up to the point that she'd start choking and hyperventilating. Well, we're obviously not going to make her stay on her stomach as much as needed if she could stop breathing over it. Well, month by month she started to get a little bit more of a flat spot on her right side of her head. It's wasn't bad enough where we were to concerned, but because we had already hit our deductible for the year, we did a cat scan. Everything came up normal and we just decided, because the doctor told us to, that we'd just wait and see if it got better as she got more mobile. While she got more mobile it did seem to round out a little. Jeremy on the other hand every few months brings it back up and stirs the pot. I am very emotional about this and feel like a complete failure as a mother because of this. I know people are cruel and that they think I just left her in the crib all day, when that is beyond far from the truth!!! I probably held her too much and that is why her head is flat. I know I was guilty of holding her the same way and everyone else held her that way to, and that would have pushed on her head as well. I don't know why I make excuses. Anyway back to Jeremy. He always brings it back up, when he is the one that said we didn't have the money to do anything about it when we knew the helmet would work. Now, she's a year and he brings it back up AGAIN! I just can't take it anymore! He makes it seem like she's a circus freak and that everyone is staring at her and everyone is going to make fun of her. Yes, you can tell it's still got a bit of a flat spot, but her hair is covering it well. So, I had a pediatrician's appt today and expressed my interest (his interest) on the subject and we set up an appt to meet with a neurologist. I feel like such an ass for waiting for so long! I feel like a complete idiot!!! I don't want her to get made fun of, but I don't want her to have to be tramatized by wearing a helmet. She's old enough now, where she's going to freak out and possibly remember it. And as selfish as it to say, I don't want to go out into public with her in a helmet. You know people are going to point and laugh or point and talk shit! I just am not strong enough for that! I know everyone would say don't make her be stuck at home for 6 months, but like I already said... I feel like a complete failure as a mom and I don't want to disappoint my little Ella. I was just looking at her tonight while she played, smiling at me here and there. I was picturing her with this helmet on, so innocent, having no clue what was going on and just broke down into complete tears! Here I am sobbing on her shoulder! Poor thing. I just don't want her to have to go through such a tramatizing thing. But, I guess it'll be much more tramatizing for her when she's 10 getting picked on by the boy she has a crush on.