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I am definitely having a better day than the last time I posted. Although, I am very nervous for Friday. It is going to be a long day at work up until I can leave for this appt and then I have to go back. I'll probably want to bawl the rest of the day and will probably regret going back to work.
I am getting excited for fall! My favorite time of the year! I love the crisp fall air and the changing leaves. Oh, so beautiful!
Of course, Jeremy starts all his hunting expeditions and I will not see him much until all the seasons have closed for another year.
I will be busy at work with everyone wanting their hair pretty for the holidays! Can't wait for Christmas! It's coming to soon, though!
Not much is new, so I'll just update after Friday...
So, I am having a rough time with this doctor issue and just can't seem to shake it! I want to at least try to forget about it until next Friday's appt, but I am going crazy! Every time I look at her, I feel awful! I have never felt this way. I feel like I'm letting her down. I can't believe that this is affecting me this way. It was not so emotional for me before. I don't know what it means, but I really am just wanting to be alone for a while. I especially don't want to talk to Jeremy, and almost bit his head off today. I know she has no clue what is going on, but when I look at her all I can think about is the fact that I'm a failure! I try to be happy around her for the simple fact that she has no clue why mommy is crying all the time, but it's so hard. She's so innocent and sweet and it's not fair to her. I just want this to be over with!!!!!!!!
I have a very sore subject to talk about. I will probably bawl the whole time I type this, and then some. Back when Ella was just starting to be mobile we tried and tried to get her to do tummy time. She screamed bloody murder and would get herself so worked up to the point that she'd start choking and hyperventilating. Well, we're obviously not going to make her stay on her stomach as much as needed if she could stop breathing over it. Well, month by month she started to get a little bit more of a flat spot on her right side of her head. It's wasn't bad enough where we were to concerned, but because we had already hit our deductible for the year, we did a cat scan. Everything came up normal and we just decided, because the doctor told us to, that we'd just wait and see if it got better as she got more mobile. While she got more mobile it did seem to round out a little. Jeremy on the other hand every few months brings it back up and stirs the pot. I am very emotional about this and feel like a complete failure as a mother because of this. I know people are cruel and that they think I just left her in the crib all day, when that is beyond far from the truth!!! I probably held her too much and that is why her head is flat. I know I was guilty of holding her the same way and everyone else held her that way to, and that would have pushed on her head as well. I don't know why I make excuses. Anyway back to Jeremy. He always brings it back up, when he is the one that said we didn't have the money to do anything about it when we knew the helmet would work. Now, she's a year and he brings it back up AGAIN! I just can't take it anymore! He makes it seem like she's a circus freak and that everyone is staring at her and everyone is going to make fun of her. Yes, you can tell it's still got a bit of a flat spot, but her hair is covering it well. So, I had a pediatrician's appt today and expressed my interest (his interest) on the subject and we set up an appt to meet with a neurologist. I feel like such an ass for waiting for so long! I feel like a complete idiot!!! I don't want her to get made fun of, but I don't want her to have to be tramatized by wearing a helmet. She's old enough now, where she's going to freak out and possibly remember it. And as selfish as it to say, I don't want to go out into public with her in a helmet. You know people are going to point and laugh or point and talk shit! I just am not strong enough for that! I know everyone would say don't make her be stuck at home for 6 months, but like I already said... I feel like a complete failure as a mom and I don't want to disappoint my little Ella. I was just looking at her tonight while she played, smiling at me here and there. I was picturing her with this helmet on, so innocent, having no clue what was going on and just broke down into complete tears! Here I am sobbing on her shoulder! Poor thing. I just don't want her to have to go through such a tramatizing thing. But, I guess it'll be much more tramatizing for her when she's 10 getting picked on by the boy she has a crush on.
Here is a layout done for Oh Scrap! Critique Group.
